Plans

I'm a planner!! I plan it all: I know that I have to get out of the bed by 6:17 in the morning to get to work on time at 6:19 I'll officially be late; I make the coffee the night before; lay all my clothes out (even my underwear) in the "guest" bedroom for the next day before I go to sleep; I have a HUGE purse because I can't imagine being stuck somewhere without something I need. I like a plan.

I have had a plan for my life since I was in 8th grade. I remember the exact moment when I knew what I had been created to do with my life, and from that moment on I had a plan. I'd be a special education teacher, I'd get married when I was 30 (like my mom), I have children almost immediately, and I would go back to work after my kids were in school. I have had the same plan since 8th grade and other than getting married when I was 29 instead of 30 it’s pretty much progressed accordingly.

Then, on January 3, 2011 the plan changed. I lost my first baby. I was 6.4 weeks pregnant with our first child. We were heartbroken.

I was in shock that I was pregnant to begin with; I had just stopped taking my birth control in October and had heard it could probably take a little while to even get pregnant but I was excited!!!! I immediately made a plan in my head for when the baby arrived; I knew exactly what I would do about work and childcare. I had names and was looking for bedding and strollers; I had already looked up every brand of baby product known to man on the Consumer Reports. Then on the morning of January 3, 2011 I didn't need a plan anymore, more importantly I knew I wasn't the one in charge of the plan. I have been reminded every day since January 3, 2011 that the only one who knows anything about my plan is not me but God. I was reminded that He knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) I had no idea then that the peace The Lord had placed in my heart would carry me through 2 more lost babies, to the journey I am currently traveling with my sweet husband and The Lord.

I read this excerpt today from a piece on rageagainsttheminivan.com, in a series she does called "What I Want You to Know".  It struck me especially fitting since I had my first meeting with my infertility doctor this morning and began some testing. It describes a lot of the emotions I felt in the 13 months to follow January 3, 2011, if you want to read the rest of the post or find out more about either of these ladies and their blogs, please visit the website.

"Instead of expecting a baby, I am expecting the proof of her demise. Instead of baby clothes, I am buying feminine hygiene products. Instead of wearing maternity clothes, I’m putting them away again. Instead of complaining about how sick I am, I detest the normal feeling that has taken over, the hunger pangs I haven’t known for six weeks. The hormones are subsiding and all I want is to have the nausea back. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This was the one we had prayed about from the very moment we knew; that it would be easy, stress-free, the one time we were going to wish we had delivered at home. This is not what I prayed for!!

They tell you it isn’t anything you did or didn’t do. But as the sole human protector of this tiny life, there is a responsibility that cannot be escaped. Everything I have done these last six weeks since I learned I carried this life has been done because of my responsibility to provide a healthy environment, the proper vitamins, and a good diet. Each activity was scrutinized for the impact it might have and many put away for later dates. It is difficult to set aside the responsibility I have carried, and been told I carry, for the past six weeks at a moment’s notice, simply because something went wrong. Perhaps especially because something went wrong.
I wish there was a responsibility that was still mine. Something I could do that would stop this loss, some way to save this precious life. I almost wish it was something I had done; maybe I could have been more faithful in taking my vitamins, I could have been more resolute about not picking up the boys, I could have rested more. I wish there was an obvious mistake that might have caused this so I could avoid it in the future. "

And so for me it begins, I'm finally starting the process of figuring out if there is something we can do or something I should do but, I know there was nothing I could have done because, I know Who has gone before me and Who will be with us every step of the way. I'm so thankful for the peace that comes from knowing He will fight for me, I need only to be still. Exodus 14:14